Meanwhile in Russia sets a dangerous UK precedent

HOPE you’ve enjoyed a pleasant week’s motoring, bereft of bumps and scratches. Meanwhile, in Russia, footage of a fishtailing Lada has been uploaded to YouTube for your evening entertainment.

You can’t have failed to notice the sheer quantity of clips being uploaded to YouTube of Russians crashing things, badly filmed by dashcams of family saloons slogging their way through a snowdrift somewhere in Siberia. This compelling concoction of spins, rolls and crashes – think of it as sort of You’ve Been Framed meets Police Camera Action, with added Moscowprofanity – has proven so popular that petrolheads over here now happily use #meanwhileinrussia as a hashtag on Twitter.

If you don’t know what a hashtag is, get your children to fire up YouTube and enjoy someone else’s motoring misfortune to while away a few idle minutes. It is weirdly compelling for the same reason that you’ll always slow down on the motorway to gawp at a car crash.

Yet what worries me isn’t these clips’ weirdly addictive edge. It’s that the things which make them possible – those crude, dashboard-mounted cameras – are becoming increasingly fashionable over here too.

Already I know of one court case which involved a lorry driver whose dashboard camera proved an unfortunate meeting between his cab and motorcyclist wasn’t his fault. As a result of this and the increasing appetite for the insurance companies to have our every movement monitored – black boxes, anyone – dashboard camera sales are booming in the UK. You might even get one under the tree this Christmas.

While the idea behind them has an appeal – film your drive to work, so you can prove it was the prat in the Audi A3 who drove into your front bumper at 40mph – I can’t help but wonder if we’re unintentionally creating Channel Four’s next comedy series for them, free of charge.

At the moment at least, there’s precious little to prevent these clips escaping into cyberspace, where spotty teenagers will be able to compile them into amusing ten minute videos, which will amuse office workers in Moscow endlessly. The clips will be just as morbidly compelling, but with fewer errant Ladas involved. Being involved in a crash, for whatever reason, is frightening enough, but knowing it’ll sit on YouTube for the rest of eternity or be forever repeated on Britain’s Best Car Crashes is something else altogether.

Meanwhile in Russia, for now, has a certain crude ring to it, but Meanwhile in Formby is a scarier prospect altogether.

Yamaha MOTIV.e - a terrible name for a promising car

YOU couldn’t make it up. That simplest of ideas – the small, unpretentious car – might be about to be saved by two of the fastest names in motoring.

The first, Yamaha, you’ll be familiar with. Provided you’re not an aficionado of the company’s musical instruments, the name will probably spring to mind most immediately as the makers of mentalist superbikes, although they’ve actually made more of a contribution to the car world than you might expect. 

If you drive a Ford with a Zetec badge on the back, it means your car’s humble engine got flown halfway around the world so the Japanese firm’s boffins could fiddle with it and make it far more rev-happy than it really ought to have been. Well, at least it was until Ford’s marketing boys got in the act and decided ‘Zetec’ was a trim level, rather than a badge of honour to say your hatchback’s humble engine had been tuned by superbike experts.

The second name, Gordon Murray, will either mean absolutely nothing or get your inner car nut immediately excited. He’s a South African car lover who moved to Britain in his early twenties, and having blessed the F1 world with his expertise than turned his technical know-how to making a string of supercars. Put simply, he is the brains behind the McLaren F1 and the Mercedes-Benz SLR.

What connects the dots? Well, you might remember reading about Gordon Murray’s efforts to almost single-handedly reinvent the way small cars are made. The end result, the T25, was so small you could fit three ofthem into a parking space, but it wasn’t a production car in the conventional sense.

It was a more a sort of open invitation to the car world, and Yamaha’s the first company to take him up on it.

The end result, the MOTIV.e, might have a terrible name but it looks fantastic, with lithe lines that make it stand out a mile from the blobby superminis which dominate the showrooms today. While there’s no word on it being a production model just yet, the prospect of being able to drive to work every morning in a car designed by an F1 genius and finished off by a group of superbike experts does have a certain appeal to it.

All Yamaha need to do now is whip the MOTIV.e’s electric motor out and drop in the 180bhp screamer from the R1. Now THAT would be a small car worth writing home about…

Are you ready for a Europe-friendly Ford Mustang?

Ford’s Mustang will celebrate its impending 50^th anniversary with something a little special next month – the first ever version of the car designed with European motoring in mind.

While British drivers have long been able to buy the all-American coupe by having one imported from the States, Ford has announced they will unveil a new generation of the car next Thursday (December 5) which will be officially offered for sale across Europefor the first time.

Jim Farley, Ford's global vice president of marketing, sales and service, said: “Mustang has come to be much more than just a car for its legions of fans spanning the globe from New Zealand to Iceland and Shanghai to Berlin.

“When you experience Mustang, it ignites a sense of optimism and independence that inspires us all. We have kicked off the countdown to the all-new Ford Mustang – with a new design, greater refinement, performance and innovative new technologies, Mustang is ready for the next 50 years."

Mustang fans can go to www.mustanginspires.com to find out about the new car - and to immerse themselves in nostalgic tales from 50 years of its predecessors.

It's all over for the Life On Cars Rover

Click the image to see a larger version of the feature. Article reproduced from the November 13th edition of Classic Car Weekly. All rights reserved.

The new MINI and Miley Cyrus are more alike than you might think

THE new MINI and the singing brat from the Disney Channel, Miley Cyrus, have more in common than you might think.

Connoisseurs of pop culture might have raised an eyebrow when the Hannah Montana star strode confidently onto the stage at the MTV Video Awards, dressed in a skin-coloured bikini, and proceeded to treat the entire world to the most cringeworthy four minutes of television yet devised. Yes, Miss Montana’s sold millions of MP3s and singlehandedly invented something called ‘twirking’ as a result, but the world has been left a poorer place in her wake.

All of which leads me nicely to the third generation MINI. Which, like Miley, will be a storming sales success but never be quite as fondly as remembered as what went before.

It’s a debate BMW – the MINI’s German masters, don’t forget – have prompted themselves, by picturing the 2014 model next to not only its 2006 and 2001 predecessors, but also the brilliant, Alec Issigonis-penned original of 1959 vintage. While it’s bordering on the cliché to point out how much bigger the modern MINIs are compared to the 1959 car, it’s entirely fair game to point out that the latest version is bloated compared to even its Noughties predecessors, being longer, wider and taller. It’s also not especially pretty either, considering how much – and I admit it grudgingly, as a classic Mini fan – I like the lines of the 2001 MINI.

The 2014 offering might well be fantastically good fun to drive or unflinchingly reliable – in the same way Miley might make a mean cup of tea or be a dab hand at Scrabble – but compared to what’s been before it’s an opportunity for something innovative and exciting missed in a bid to hit the top of the charts. The new MINI, like the new Miley, could have offered us something genuinely interesting that moves the game on, but what we’ve got is more of the same, just a bit uglier.

Personally, I prefer my small cars to be a bit more like Lily Allen, with a bit more beauty and intellectual depth thrown in. The revised Citroen C1, in other words.

300bhp in a Volkswagen Golf!

VOLKSWAGEN has announced prices for the most powerful production Golf ever this week.

 Prices for the range-topping Golf R, which offers up no less than 300bhp in the familiar hatchback package, start at £29,900 for the three-door version, and £30,555 for the five-door model.

While VW is keen to point out that the new R is a little lighter - all of 46kg - and more economical than its predecessor, the good news for keen drivers is that it rides lower and punches harder than the current Golf GTi, and allows anyone keen on their track days to fully disengage the hot hatch's armada of electronic stability systems.

While the top speed is limited to 155mph, the run to sixty depends entirely on which of the two gearboxes you go for - in the old fashioned manual, it's 5.3 seconds, but you can shave a further four tenths off if you go for the double-clutch DSG system.

To find out more about the new model, which uses an uprated version of the GTI’s engine and a Haldex four wheel drive system, go online to www.volkswagen.co.uk

Online auctions are a used car nightmare

SECONDHAND Rovers are about as desirable as secondhand socks. That’s one of two lessons I’ve learned this week. 

The other’s a bit of a cautionary tale when it comes to flogging cars. It’s the third occasion I’ve cast my net into the deep, murky waters of cyberspace, and it’s the third time that the only catch I’ve landed are buyers who prove to be a nightmare.Why did I ever abandon the calm waters of The Southport Champion’s classifieds? 

This sorry story started on a still summer’s afternoon, when my trusty old Rover sailed through its third MOT. Yet even I knew the old dog couldn’t last forever, as the increasingly noisy gearbox in particular proved. With that in mind I put her up for sale, sure that a Rover fan out there somewhere – and I know, because I am one – would want to give it a good home.

I might as well have been flogging a pair of Victor Meldrew’s old Y-fronts, as it turned out. The classic car people, despite my best pleas, were unmoved by a cheap Rover, while a stint on a Facebook forum specialising solely in cars for less than £500 attracted precisely zero enquiries. As the weeks drew on and the prospect of the insurance running out loomed, I turned to the dark side and listed it on an online auction site. 

It sold in less than ten minutes, but I was about to relearn a valuable lesson. In online auctions, you have to deal with whichever punter puts up the money first. 

Any noble thoughts of the Rover “going to a good home” quickly vanished – this was a guy who didn’t want to pick up the car tomorrow, but “tomoz”. Or rather, it would have been had “tomoz” not been a day that constantly got moved back to suit his schedule. Eventually, a car breaker from Brum showed up a week later – and was completely disinterested in the pile of paperwork I’d spent three years accumulating. All he wanted to do was get his dirt-cheap car onto the back of his low-loader. 

The chap got his car and I got my money, but I couldn’t help but recall the bloke who refused to buy a scooter from me years ago because a scratch was bigger in real life than he’d interpreted it to be in the pictures, or the man who spent ages playing a hugely stressful game of will-he-won’t-he over whether to buy my MX-5. The internet is great for all sorts of things, but it’s also full of idiots who want automotive perfection for less than £500, and will happily throw all the grief your way if they don’t get it. 

Some things are better done the old-fashioned way. Flogging cars is one of them.

The new Nissan Qashqai

A NEW version of one of Nissan’s biggest sellers will go on sale across the UK in February, it has been announced.

The second generation Qashqai looks similar to the outgoing model but is longer, lower and wider, and will come with a choice of either two-wheel-drive or four-wheel-drive.

UK prices and specifications for the Qashqai will be announced closer to its launch on February 1.

Find out more about the latest Qashqai at Nissan's UK website.

Have yourself a motoring little Christmas

 

You can help a care home in Southport by opting to send your friends Christmas cards with a petrolhead twist.

Automotive charity BEN has launched a new range of cards which feature classic cars and help raise money for a variety of good causes, including Alexandra House, based on Lord Street.

To find out more about BEN’s Christmas cards go online to ben.admiralcharitycards.org

It's okay to be an anorak. Just not one who likes cars

THE press guru for the London to Brighton Veteran Run gave me a reflective glimpse.

He’d just regaled me with an impressive list of details about a 1903 De Dion Bouton, who owned it and what stage it was at in the world’s oldest motoring event, but it came with an observation.

“You just can’t be an anorak in this day and age.”

Au contraire, as Del Boy might say, and here’s why. I’ve long reckoned that it’s perfectly acceptable to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of something – in fact, it’ll even impress your mates – but it’s got to be the right subject. Unfortunately, that subject isn’t cars.

Anyone who remembers going to school with me will recall I was (and still am) a relentless automotive anorak. Even at the tender age of ten, I could bore my classmates rigid with the differences between a Land Rover Series I and a Series II, before cheering them up with some amusing anecdotes about how TVR employed the managing director’s dog as one of their chief stylists. If you’ve ever wondered why the Chimaera’s indicator surrounds have a touch of Pedigree Chum about them, that’s why.

Luckily, I’ve grown up among a nationwide fraternity of car nuts, and every weekend thousands of us, up and down the land, get together and talk shop. In the case of the Blackpool Classic Car Show, which I went to the other weekend, it was genuinely uplifting to trade facts and banter with hundreds of other enthusiasts.

But the truth about anoraks only hit me as I was leaving Blackpool, and encountered not hundreds, but thousands of people who took their anorak-ness to such levels that they wore white and blue shirts to commemorate it. Their passion was something called Blackburn Rovers.

All of these people, and their counterparts across the country, are anoraks. They can, to a lesser or greater extent, share with you an encyclopaedic knowledge of who a group of sportsmen are, who their opponents are, and how much they’re likely to be worth during a fevered period of activity known only to me as “the transfer window”.

It’s also absolutely fine to share every known fact about Britain’s biggest passion with your friends – whether they’re interested in it or not – in the pub, particularly if it’s one which insists on having Sky Sports News on in the background.

My point to my veteran car guru friend, a week later, was a simple one. It’s fine to be an anorak. It just helps if your specialist subject is football.

Stop Suzuki if you've heard this one before

 

There's something just a tad familiar about one of the new concept cars Suzuki is showing off at this month's Tokyo Motor Show.

The X-Lander, which uses a 1.3 litre hybrid engine mated to the four-wheel-drive system of the company's venerable Jimny off-roader (which, incidentally, we can't believe is still on sale after 15 years either!) is being described by the company as being "like a fusion of off-road power and mechanical precision".

However, its formula of two seats in a cockpit open to the elements, a small-to-non-existent boot and faintly Toytown-esque styling seem more than just a little bit reminiscent of a certain sales flop offered by the company back in the dark days of the mid Nineties.

X-90, anyone?